Thoughts on Parenting Twins

Welcome to the March 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting With Special Needs

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how we parent despite and because of challenges thrown our way. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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This month’s topic for the Carnival of Natural Parenting is Special Needs, and more loosely, special circumstances or situations relating to parenting. While I do not have children with special needs, I do feel like I can speak to the unique challenges of raising twins, and dealing with parenting circumstances which are unexpected and overwhelming at times.

So cute. So exhausting! So very little sleep...

1. First off!  While it can feel selfish or downright ungrateful in the light of people struggling with various parenting issues (infertility, special needs, loss) or when faced with the loads of friends, relatives and perfect strangers who offer up how MUCH they hoped for or dreamed of having twins, allow yourself a chance to mourn the loss of the “normal” pregnancy/parenting journey you envisioned. While twins is indeed an amazing blessing and experience, it is also life-changing and (particularly in the first year or three) overwhelming and sometimes NOT at all what you had dreamed of or planned for. You have a right to those feelings of resentment, frustration or sadness that you are facing a different, more difficult situation than you expected. I certainly had them! But I promise they were, indeed, temporary. And while I think it’s important not to wallow in the negative stuff, acknowledging the validity of these thoughts and feelings is a part moving into a more accepting, peaceful, enthusiastic and joyful place.

Just dumping more stuff, Ma! Carry on!

2. Lower that parenting bar, pronto! Perhaps some people will disagree with me on this but I think that my setting the expectations LOW for how that first year or two was going to go with twins/3 young kids helped me a ton. I expected very VERY little sleep, I expected difficult and non-stop feedings, I expected everything would feel hard and that I would rarely be able to get out of my jammies, let alone the house, with three needy small children in tow. I expected a fair bit of crying (on all our parts!), more TV watching than I’d prefer, and less-than-stellar parenting on my part. That I wouldn’t be able to keep up with laundry or dishes or cooking or other housework for quite awhile. I gave myself a pass on a lot of things, frankly, and I think that is a-ok. That doesn’t mean I didn’t strive for it (I do think that is important, too!), but I also didn’t expect to somehow juggle and manage it all with grace and ease (haha!). You just cannot do it all when you have twins (or even if you don’t!) and when you internalize this you will have a much shorter fall than if you’d set yourself way high up there with all those “supermom” ideals! A fabulous upside is that it feels SOOOOOOO great when you actually DO accomplish more than you thought or planned for!

Crying happens. Messes happen. But we will all be okay.

3. Seek out others who “get it” and have “been there”. Even if it’s really hard to make the effort and you don’t want to step out of your comfort zone, try! I think this is so important. It is just so easy to look at others around you (who don’t have twins/kids with special needs/are not single parents/whatever your difficult issue may be) and feel poorly about how you are doing, how much harder or less smoothly things are going for you, all the things that “they” can do that you — for the moment at least — can not. Look for online parenting support groups, boards or forums, blogs or twitter “tweeps” as well as real life folks in your area (participating with my local twins club has been a hugely positive experience) to meet up with face to face.  Meeting people in person if you can is really critical, in my opinion!  Commiserating with parents going through a similar experience or situation or coming from a similar parenting philosophy or background can make ALL the difference, and can really boost the mood and ego. Parenting can be so very isolating, and you have to be intentional about setting up the social and emotional support that you need now, and down the line as things change.

Feeding twins? It really can help to talk to some other twin mamas & papas

4. Look for the beauty and joy in those simple, everyday moments, each and every day. I know it sounds like a cliche but there is merit to it! Celebrate the small stuff, like when your house is momentarily quiet enough to hear the birds or the ferry horn. When you actually sit down and get to enjoy a few sips of your tea while it’s still hot. When you doze off for awhile with your children, when the sun shines in or the rain pounds while you are cozy inside, when your children are — for the moment — playing peacefully or delight in some little, beautiful thing that you never would have looked at otherwise. Savor it all for a few moments, caught in the wonder of it all, and know that this is the important stuff, right here right now.

Savor this moment. Right now!

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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon March 13 with all the carnival links.)

• Parenting A Child With Neutropenia — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses the challenge of parenting a young child who cannot produce enough neutrophils to fight off bacterial infections.
• How I Love My High Need Baby — Shannon at GrowingSlower was shocked to find she is parenting a high-needs baby, but she’s surviving thanks to attachment parenting.
• We’re a Lot Like You — kaidera at Our Little Acorn talks about how her family is similar to others, even with all their special needs
• The Emotional Components of Bonding with Preemies — Having a premature baby can bring on many unexpected emotions for parents, but working through those emotions can bring about a wonderful bonding experience. Adrienne at Natural Parents Network shares.
• Raising a babe with IUGR: from birth through the toddler years — Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet shares the story of how her son’s post-birth IUGR diagnosis affected his first days of life and gave her an unexpected tutorial in advocating for their rights as a family.
• When a grandparent has a disability — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes shares how she has approached explaining her mother’s disability to her young child.
• Taking The Time To Really See Our Children — Sam at Love Parenting writes about her experiences working with children with various disabilities and how it has affected her parenting style.
• Natural Parenting In An Unnatural Environment — Julie at What I Would Tell You gives us a glimpse into how she improvised to be a natural parent against all odds.
• Getting Through the NICU — Laura at Authentic Parenting gives a few pointers on how to deal with your newborn’s stay in the NICU.
• Living With Sensory Processing Disorder — Christy at Adventures in Mommyhood talks about the challenges that can come from living with a child who has SPD.
• Our rules for NICU – March Carnival — Hannabert’s Mom shares her family’s rules for family and friends of a NICU baby.
• Muddy Boots: Speaking Up for Special Friends — MudpieMama shares about the day her little boy stepped up and spoke up for his best “special” friend.
• Letter from Mineral’s Service Dog — Erika at Cinco de Mommy imagines the letter that accompanies her special needs son’s Service Dog.
• Blessings in Unexpected Places — That Mama Gretchen welcomes an inspiring guest post from a dear friend who shares about the blessings that come from a child with Down syndrome.
• Tube Feeding with a Blenderized Diet of Whole Foods — Erica at ChildOrganics shares her experiences with using real food when feeding her daughter who was unable to feed herself and needed a feeding tube.
• Abbey and Evan — Amyables at Toddler In Tow writes about watching her preschooler play with her friend who is autistic and deaf, and wonders how she can explain his special needs better.
• How to Minimise the Chance of a {Genetically Prone} Child Being Diagnosed with ADHD — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry shares her tips on keeping a child who is genetically prone to ADHD from suffering the effects.
• Tough Decisions: Parenting With Special Needs — Brenna at Almost All The Truth shares what has been keeping her up at night worrying, while spending her days discovering just what her options are for her precocious child.
• Life with my son — For Dr. Sarah at Good Enough Mum, life with an autistic child is just another variation on the parenting experience.
• Dear Special Needs Mama — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes a letter of encouragement to herself and other mamas of special needs children.
• His Voice — Laura at WaldenMommy relives the day her son said his first sentence.
• What is ‘wrong’ with you’ The challenge of raising a spirited child — Tara at MUMmedia discusses the challenges of raising a child who is ‘more’ intense, stubborn, and strong willed than your average child.
• Tips for Parenting a Child With Special Medical Needs — Jorje of Momma Jorje shares her shortlist of tips she’s learned in parenting a newborn with special medical needs in a guest post at Becoming Crunchy.
• Parenting the Perfectionist Child — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses that as parents of gifted children, we are in the unique position to help them develop the positive aspects of their perfectionism.
• Montessori-Inspired Special Needs Support — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now gives a list of websites and blogs with Montessori-inspired special-needs information and activities.
• Accommodating Others’ Food Allergies — Ever wonder how to handle another family’s food allergies or whether you should just skip the play date altogether? At Code Name: Mama, Dionna’s friend Kellie (whose family has a host of allergies) shares how grateful she is when friends welcome them, as well as a list of easy snacks you can consider.
• Only make promises you can keep — Growing up the child of a parent with a chronic illness left a lasting impact on Laura of A Pug in the Kitchen and what she is willing to promise for the future.
• A Mom and Her Son — Jen at Our Muddy Boots was fortunate to work with a wonderful family for several summers, seeing the mother of this autistic son be his advocate, but not in the ways she thought.
• Guest Post from Maya at Musings of A Marfan Mom — Zoie at TouchstoneZ is honored to share a guest post from Maya, who writes about effective tools she has found as a parent of two very special boys.
• You Don’t Have to Be a Rock — Rachael at The Variegated Life finds steadiness in allowing herself to cry.
• When Special Needs Looks “Normal” — Amy at Anktangle writes about her experience with mothering a son who has Sensory Processing Disorder. She offers some tips (for strangers, friends, and loved ones) on how to best support a family dealing with this particular neurological challenge.
• Special Needs: Limitation or Liberation? — Melissa of White Noise describes the beauty in children with special needs.
• How I Learned It’ll Be Okay — Ashley at Domestic Chaos reflects on what she learned while nannying for a boy with verbal delays.
• Attachment Parenting and Depression — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how attachment parenting has helped her get a clearer image of herself as a parent and of her depression.
• On invisible special needs & compassion — Lauren at Hobo Mama points out that even if we can’t see a special need, it doesn’t mean it’s not there.
• Thoughts on Parenting Twins — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares her approach to parenting twins.
• ABCs of Breastfeeding in the NICU — Jona at Breastfeeding Twins offers tips for establishing breastfeeding in the alphabet soup of the NICU.
• Life With Michael – A Mother’s Experience of Life With Aspergers Disorder — At Diary of a First Child, Luschka’s sister-in-law Nicky shares her experience as mother to a child on the Autism Spectrum. It is filled with a mother’s love and devotion to her child as an individual, not a label.
• Raised by a Special Needs Mom — Momma Jorje shares what it was like growing up as the daughter of a mother with a handicap.
• Becoming a Special Needs Mom — Ellen at These Broken Vases shares about becoming the mother of a child with Down syndrome
• She Said It Was “Vital” — Alicia of Lactation Narration (and My Baby Sweets) discusses the conflict she felt when trying to decide whether therapy was necessary for her daughter.

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