First off, no Wordless Wednesday post here today but check out two photos of us over on the Natural Parent Network’s Wordless Wednesday post about attachment parenting beyond the baby years. That first photo was thanks to an awesome photo shoot with Mona, when Emma was three-ish. Time FLIES!
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And now, the potty drama. Oh Lord, things have not been good in this household with regards to this, I am afraid to say. This week has been really challenging in terms of behaviors and attitudes all around (me included!), partly because Lonnie is back to work (waaah!). But, I think a lot of it boils down to the toddler potty situation, and so after several freak-outs by me and them (which left me craving some anti-anxiety meds, seriously, that bad!) I made a decision that I had been contemplating for awhile. I was sort of paralyzed about what to do because there seem to be two real options: one that wasn’t the direction I wanted to go in, the other seemed totally overwhelming and unmanageable. Great choices, eh? So yeah. I went for option A.
I took away the underpants. We are back to diapers, full time. Boo!
This is after Elsie and Delia have using the potty and being in undies part time for more than 6 months now! We started off so great — the girls were enthusiastic, trying hard, learning and making progress. But, they were still young-ish, and with two of them, trying to go whole-hog felt too hard. There is only so much time in each day I can dedicate to mopping up pee and poop, ya’ know? So for a long long while, they would be in undies part time, and then when they or I got overwhelmed, we would put a diaper on (also for bed and going out).
There was gradual progress that plateaued at some point. To jump start it again, a few months ago I took the girls to pick out their OWN special underpants — Delia picked Dora the Explorer, Elsie picked some with froggies. The new underpants did push us forward — especially Delia. Both girls were doing well at making it to the potty, but still wanted/needed a lot of help from me, needed reminders or me taking them to the bathroom, help with clothes.
And then, things declined again, perhaps with the extra bustle of the holidays, or them being sick, or maybe because its too darn cold to run around pant-less or naked altogether…I am not sure. Probably also my increasing expectations which they, obviously (and understandably) could care less about. Suddenly, there was a LOT more power struggles. It was me against them. Accidents and messes all over the place, and me getting incredibly frustrated with them. Them wanting to wear underpants, but refusing to use the potty and using them like diapers. They are now in the midst of the strong-willed two year old thing, which unfortunately does not mix well with potty training.
Part of me really wishes I had just gone for it full time a lot earlier — when they were in that enthusiastic, willing-to-try and eager-to-please young toddler phase! They had tons of the readiness skills, and have shown, over and over again, that they can do this, most of the time (albeit with a bit of assistance from me, which I am absolutely willing to do). But. Now, at a little past 2.5, I just have to back off. Because you can always put a kid on the potty, but you cannot make her use it. The power struggles are just not worth it.
I know lots of folks use reward systems for this. We did with Emma and it worked okay, at least for a little while. But, I also have been jumping more on the Alfie Kohn bandwagon lately with regards to praise, rewards and punishments, and would really rather not resort to that. Especially because of the competition factor with twins could really make things even more weird – I really do not need to add a potty competition to our day (I will say that the girls are so in sync about the potty thing sometimes its kind of uncanny — mostly how they both always go within minutes of each other, sometimes seconds of each other — to the degree that I am pretty sure they having accidents on purpose because their twin just did).
Today was the first full day on the new plan and Elsie is pretty happy with the switch (she often would ask for diapers before) though she still screams and yells whenever I insist on a diaper change. Delia is the opposite — really, really sad about not getting to wear her underpants. She WANTS them. And she can fairly consistently pee in the potty (when prompted) — its just that there is more to the potty than just pee, ya’ know? If she is naked she will usually make the effort to make it to the potty, but as she told Lonnie a few days ago "and I was wearing underpants…..so I pooped in them".
So, I’ll keep you posted. I am hoping after a few weeks/months of taking things back a notch, we can move forward again with fewer struggles (maybe one at a time, with Delia probably taking the lead). At some point, I really want to switch entirely to underpants except for nighttime, but I need to be seeing more excrement in the proper receptacles before we go there again…
What are your thoughts on potty training/ potty learning? Any words of wisdom for me? What would you do about the disconnect between D in particular really wanting the undies but also not using the potty?
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We just spent the week between Christmas and NY potty-training our kiddos with the 3-day method. So far (day
the method has been really good for our family…K still has not pooped in the potty (I just do not think he recognizes the feeling, yet), but we have not had a single pee accident from either kid since day 3. It is heavily reward-based, but we are trying to phase that out. I think the biggest difference in this method is that you are removing the chance for power-struggles by putting the responsibility to potty in their court. The author insists that you NEVER ask them if they have to go potty…you simply tell them to let you know when they have to go.
If you are interested in hearing more about it, let me know and I can give you a run down
So far (!!) it has been successful for us, but I realize that could change at any moment with them approaching 2.5 years old!
Sarah
All I can say is I’m immensely relieved my 2.5yo isn’t the only one behaving thus. I have no advice – my oldest was done by 2.5. I was thinking we’d try no diapers in January but I haven’t been brave enough. And to think I only have one! I know my SIL did her twins one at a time. Mostly though I’m just here to commiserate!
I don’t have any words of wisdom but can entirely second your post. My boys are 2 and 3 and we’re goignt through the same things. I also don’t do the rewards for the same reasons. Jack is almost four and mostly trained during the day. He wears diapers at night but is usually dry in the morning. We struggle to get him to go potty in the am while the diaper is still on. I only remind him before we leave the house and when we arrive somewhere otherwise he’s on his own. Saamy is just starting to show interst at 25 months. If I put him on the potty he’ll use it and he’s asked a few times and been successful. He’s no where near ready though since he can’t remove clothes or get up on the potty by himself. I decided to wait them out. No stress about extra messes since he’s in diapers. Jack cleans up his own occasional messes. I remind myself daily that kdis don’t show up to kindergarten in diapers sucking binkies so they’ll be fine.
hi, when my son was two we engaged in the power struggle. prompted by pressure from grandma and the mom with the “perfect kid” that potty-trained herself and solve cold fusion all at the same time!. it was horrible, my poor boy hated the very mention of the potty and would stage an all out conniption fit. so i let it go, he stayed in pullups until he was almost four. and then one day he just went, just like that, with no fanfare. my advice is let them decide and not to worry. it’s pretty unlikely that they’ll go off to college in diapers. =)
Not sure if this would work, but why not start with the willing twin only, and leave the other in diapers while you focus on one. If she is catching on, the peer pressure alone might motivate the sister.
Yep issues here too. A parenting teacher (MSW) friend of mine believes in the absolutely ready time – and do it in a few days. WHen is that though? There are just a very few in our preschool, trained early. I think if you get that 18 month window – maybe it works.
We did it last summer – fairly well in the house. Daughter didn’t like the sound of flushing in public restrooms. So no potty there. They sort of had fun with it. Potty chairs all over the house etc.
Then… we tapered off interest-wise. Felt guilty, was it us or them? So gradually, back to diapers again for a few months.
One teacher at the college suggested a one month reprieval – no potty chairs out, no talking about it – then to start afresh again.
We sort of did that and brought the chair out. Still not a lot of interest. We bought some underpants – cars and trains. Still not a lot of interest.
Got the video “Potty Power”. They seemed somewhat interested in it, but maybe just because the kids are acting and not the topic. My son seems resistant. When the narrator shows a baby getting a diaper change and says ” who gets a diaper change, baby or big kid” he says “big kid”.
I met a guy yesterday at a toddler gym. JUST turned 3 year old girl JUST got trained in a short period of time after a few months break. Last summer they tried and messes everywhere.
So GOOD luck My DEAR!
I don’t have any good advice, but I’d love to pick some up. My daughter is 22 months now and we are letting here lead the way. So far, she has minimal interest in the potty. I’m hoping to have at least a good start by the time her little brother or sister is born in late May!
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Thanks all, for the commiseration and ideas! So interesting to hear your different experiences. I like the idea of removing the power struggles and passing responsibility over to them. Though all the messes, I could do without!
Rachel — I am definitely considering working more with Delia first, then Elsie, since D is so much more interested in doing it right now (in theory, anyway, in the moment she is often totally NOT interested in going to the potty, which is the frustration).
emmasota — Emma was 24 months when E & D was born, and was using the potty occasionally but not all that much. We opted to not do much with her until things calmed down with the newborns (HA!) about 4 months later, and it went pretty easily and smoothly then (WAY faster than it is this time around!). It could be fairly challenging to tend to a new potty user and a brand new baby (or two)!
We had a hard time with willfulness and potty learning with my eldest girl around that same 2-2.5 age. Even now at 4yo she will REFUSE to go to the toilet if I even mention in passing that she might want to consider going. And we were doing EC and offered the potty in the early 18mo window and all that.
I think so much of it just boils down to personality and the development of independence that happpens around that age. So tough, especially to feel like you’re going backwards! They will get it in the end.