Lately, the kids and I have been on each others nerves. They have been really annoying me, frankly. And I have been overly grumpy and losing my temper. My positive discipline class has been over for quite awhile now, and while a few of us meet up monthly to brush up and keep the momentum going, we are taking the month of August off. I sure could use some refreshers and commiseration, though! I have been decidedly NOT positive on more than a few occasions!
My girls are definitely going through a challenging time, behavior wise. E & D are so decidedly TWO in their behavior. Yelling, screaming and whining, making huge messes and then avoiding clean up, dawdling and then ignoring my requests. I think that last one is the hardest for me right now — until recently they were pretty good about doing what I asked, which was incredibly helpful. And now, attitude! Tantrums! Squabbles and fights! I knew it was coming, but having not one but THREE kids testing me and pushing buttons (but also desprately NEEDING me, and trying to get that attention in all sorts of ways) is a lot harder to work with than one, which is what it has been until recently. Gah!
I need to search out some folks (online or in real life) that are working on positive discipline with several (or more) young children. Any tips on this, readers? Most of the positive discipline, "gentle parenting" people I know in real life or have read (blog-wise) just have one toddler or preschooler, or perhaps have more kids but they are older, school age and teens. I know those years will be challenging in their own ways, but the three kids under 5 thing feels like such a different ball game in terms of positive discipline strategies (working on "agreements"? Brainstorming solutions together? Ha ha!) and I just don’t know how to handle certain situations positively and gently when the toddler pack-mentality strikes or when they are feeding off each other…
Ah! This was mostly supposed to be a post about my trip to the farmers market today, and look at it now! I was feeling overwhelmed with need and grumpiness again this AM, so I decided to get the heck out of here and headed to the farmer’s market solo. Woohoo! Of course, as soon as I was gone, they were great with Daddy! I had a great time looking at all the fabulous produce and more at the market, and felt so leisurely buying my goods without kids in tow. Here is the bounty from my shopping:
Mini artichokes (one of each of us, including the kids, they LOVE them!), tomatoes, cherries, nectarines, sugar snap peas, Walla Walla and red onions, two HUGE fennel bulbs, and one whole (gutted) pink Alaskan salmon.
I definitely need to schedule a few more solo breaks like this in the near future (not just grocery shopping, which I often do sneak out for). I am usually pretty good about doing that, but things have been busy and this (albeit quick) outing was much needed!
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I have four year old twin girls and their older sister is five. They are 16.5 months apart.
We practice positive / attachment parenting, but I have a raising my voice issue. It’s hard with that many young ones because they feed off each other, and rarely in the good way!
My girls still do not understand hurting each other’s feelings or bodies. It’s certainly hard at this age to cement the idea that words and pushing / pinching hurt really badly! They live so much in the minute.
I went back through reading Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting and Positive Discipline for Preschoolers recently. It was a good refresher on why I wanted to follow this path of parenting and some practical tips.
I haven’t found a way to cement that I do not want some behaviors in their little brains. So, all I can hope is that this method is setting us up for the time when logic, open-communication and mutual respect WILL work!
I think having two or more is sooooooo much different than having one. Worlds different. I wish I had more advice, I certainly struggle with it, as well. This fall I’m going to send my husband to the class so that he can get on board with more of it.
The biggest thing I learned from class is to not “flip my lid”. Really. I have found that in situations where I walk away, or just step back and breathe, it at least keeps me calm. Maybe doesn’t solve the issue, but keeps me calm.
With my two, I separate them if they aren’t getting along and can’t work it out. Just like me, they need some space to breathe before they can come back and deal. I will put one girl in the living room and one in the playroom or at the dining room table. They quickly get bored not playing together and come back more collected. Not sure if that is happening with you as much at their young age.
Thank you ANna and Sybil!!! So nice to connect with others about this. Anna, I definitely have a raising my voice issue — sometimes I think its impossible not to when everyone is so noisy as well! I am sure there’s another way but its easy to fall back on, for sure. I agree that they live in the moment and that the (sometimes endlessly repetitive) work we do now is setting them up for the future.
Sybil, the “flipping my lid” thing is big for me, too. I’ve been doing it more lately but also recognizing it, which is better than not, I suppose? Separating them is what I try to do too, because it does work, but its hard with my girls and their ages — they won’t stay put!!!!
Thanks for the thoughts and commiseration!!!
I have a raising my voice issue too -but sometimes it’s literally the only thing that will get their attention when they are all fighting. There has to be a better way.
What we’ve been doing with the older kids (obviously the babies are too little right now) is to put them into time-out in their rooms until they are ready to come down. It’s less a punishment than time for them to reflect on what they did. Then they tell us when they are ready to behave and apologize to the other person. Then the other person has to say they forgive them. It seems to really work well for us. But when they were 2 the time outs were so hard. If we put them upstairs they would trash their rooms. If they stayed downstairs they wouldn’t sit still. So while we did do TO then too, it wasn’t real productive.
I agree – so much of what you do when they are that age is setting them up for later on. Our son is 5 now and just starting to really get it. Of course then the tattling begins…