I recently read a post over on API Speaks, where the author was sharing her thoughts (and worries) about potential child spacing. Man, have I thought about this issue a LOT. It is a much-discussed topic among parents of young children — there are so many of us wondering if, when (and sometimes how) to grow our families, and what, in an ideal world, would work best for our own particular circumstances. (I will admit here that as an ex-infertile I know how frustrating the whole "timing" discussions can be for some people — when folks just assume they will get pregnant on the drop of a hat when they decide. I feel much less annoyed by it all now, having put some distance — and three kids – between those challenging times for us.) Lonnie and I always knew we wanted at least two kids. I think we both kind of hoped to space them closely, while we were still young and energetic (ha) and not very entrenched in our grown-up routines and kid-free lifestyle (maybe this is projecting, though I see it as a benefit, after the fact). Career-wise, I was in a place where I was not sure where I wanted to go, and staying home with kids was an easy sell. Starting a new career after one baby, then taking a break in a year or two for number two and/or three just didn’t make sense. Close spacing seemed right for us. Since we had fertility issues before conceiving Emma, we wanted to start trying again soonish, expecting it to take years, possibly. I started gently spacing Emma’s frequent nursing during the day at 15 months, and had my first period within two weeks. And then, shockingly, conceived twins that next cycle. OMG! We were both overjoyed that it had not been difficult to conceive this time around, and freaked out (at least I was) that it had happened SO soon. That was not exactly how I had envisioned it. I then got pretty sick and tired that first tri, and felt SO AWFUL about it all — Emma was still so young, so needy, sensitive and clingy, and I felt like I was unable to mother her the way I wanted. I fretted about my connection to her, her having to grow up too soon, all the changes we were going to have to make, yada yada yada. Some of that was valid, but some was just the emotional issues from being pregnant and tired, for sure. It was SO rough, especially as we adjusted to the news, but it was also just a blip, in the longer term. I probably would have held off on many of those changes for a bit longer — or not done it at all — if I had not been pregnant. I think she was for the most part ready for them, though was pushed a bit more than I’d prefer. But each step, taken over the span of 9 months or so, really did help us all prepare for the babies’ arrival. Making changes slowly, gradually over the course of weeks and months, allowed Emma (and me!) to adjust pretty well. She stepped up to the new challenges and surprised me, adapting pretty quickly to the new ways of doing things. Many people talk about the "village" or "tribe" concept, in terms of having a community that supports mothers during the early days, months, and years. I think this is HUGE. Our culture is just not designed to support new mothers with young children. Our extended families are far apart, we are so removed from our neighbors, and our communities (workplaces included) often don’t have good, welcoming spaces or policies that include and support young children and the mothers who care for them. Taking care of the needs of several (or more) babies or toddlers by yourself is crazy making, and sometimes physically impossible. Despite all the modern appliances and baby gear stacked around our house, and a wealth of information about baby care and twins easily searched for online or in books, what I really needed in the early days (and arguably still now!) was more sets of loving arms, more friends, relatives and peers working side by side with me, sharing chores, swapping stories and advice. I am still so thankful that we did have one grandparent or another living with us for the first 2.5 months after Elsie and Delia were born — whew! I literally could not have done it (breastfeeding, anyway) without that. I do feel like now, at home alone during the day with 3 kids under 5, I am not the best parent I could be, in terms of staying calm, gentle and positive, because I am overwhelmed with need and toddler antics. There are pros and cons to all different spacings, and I know folks who swear by each of them. And no matter what you "plan", this kind of thing doesn’t always go according to your schedule, anyway! No matter what happens, you make it work the best you can. Some phases are challenging, but kids grow and change so fast, no one stage will last forever. This is what keeps me going, when the going gets rough! What are/were your thoughts or plans for child spacing? Did it pan out for you, or do you wish it had gone a bit differently? What have you learned along the way? In attachment parenting circles, it seems a lot of folks worry about spacing too closely, wanting to allow each child as much attention and connection as possible in the early years. Some practical issues definitely color this decision for some, in terms of bedsharing/cosleeping, breastfeeding beyond infancy, and babywearing. Many of us agree that those are all great physical parenting tools for toddlers and preschoolers, not just infants, but if a new baby comes along, sometimes its just not possible to manage that kind of contact with two (or more, ha) kids. Having two or more kids under 2, 3 or even 4 or 5 can be really draining, tapping a parent’s emotional and physical resources beyond what feels comfortable. Maintaining a solid attachment to two or more babies or toddlers, and finding ways to "fill up their cups" (giving one-one attention) is HARD. Gentle, positive discipline takes time, energy, and patience that is sometimes lacking when there are many small people and lots of big needs.
We did have to start making changes, though. First nightweaning Emma (which we actually started before I knew I was pregnant), then moving her to her own bed and room (while still cosleeping with her for quite awhile– gradually less as she grew used to it). Lonnie took on more and more of her care, especially at bedtime, though I was still home with her all day. I weaned her completely around 20 months (a little more than halfway through my pregnancy) — I knew I could not nurse 3 after they were born! We also started her in daycare a few mornings a week, to give me a break (we were also moving, so I had to pack!). That was HARD, and she reacted strongly to being separated at first, but we kept trying and she eventually got used to it and started having fun.
Emma was two when Elsie and Delia were born. 3 under 3 is definitely hard, and crazy, and exhausting! We were lucky that Emma loved babies (real and pretend) and enjoyed helping out, and also was pretty good at playing independently. She didn’t seem to need the level of physical activity that I know some toddlers need, too — thank goodness — since we didn’t get out very much! At the time we were just in survival mode for a good 7-8 months, but I was pretty much expecting that since we were having twins, so it felt okay. There were many times, though, where I struggled with what I felt was best for babies (in terms of sleep, physical contact, and responding to cries) and what I was able to do with twins and a toddler. I hated having to do some things differently than I had with Emma (including letting Elsie and Delia cry it out for naptime), but then again, the girls all seemed to adapt and go with the flow pretty well, and never seemed w
orse for wear. So in retrospect, in an ideal world, wider spacing would probably have been better for us at least during these early months and years, especially withtwins! There are things I certainly wished I could have done differently — both for Emma as a toddler, Elsie and Delia as infants, and even all three, now. On the flip side, the spacing worked great for us in terms of my staying home with them, condensing this period of caring for young children into a few short years. And at age two, Emma adjusted to the “new normal” of having two babies in the house super, super fast — she soon could not remember life without her sisters, so we had very little jealousy issues. Now at age two and four, they all play really well together, and I see that only getting better and better…
Related posts:
I really liked reading about you process of getting your oldest child ready for the babies. I’m actually pregnant now and will think about some concrete things that I want to have Finn doing by the birth.
For us, we planned exactly how far apart we wanted the children, but had a miscarriage. So I think it is true that we are not as “in control” of spacing as we would like to feel that we are.
ps. I can’t wait to hear about how camping went!
I had envisioned three years b/w our children, but life lead us in a different direction with a really big move and a miscarriage. What I have is 4.25 years b/w my girls, and I am not sure that I’ve lost anything that I would have had if my ideal spacing was our reality instead.
I had infertility issues with my first so we started trying soon after his first birthday. Surprise, surprise the second was conceived only a few months later. Our kids are 23 months apart. I didn’t have twins but that first little bit was hard…and still is when the noise gets to me. But I too enjoy the fact that they (mostly) play together now. If they were farther spaced apart I doubt that would happen. In the long run, I think having kids 2 years apart increases the chance that they will be close siblings for life. And that is really my greatest hope for them.
I’ve thought about this issue a lot. I wanted my children to be at least three years apart and our twins came a month before our oldest turned three. (I weren’t actively trying to get pregnant but…)
There are some good things about having an older child when the new sibling(s) come along. In our case, Vivi was very independent and was ready for preschool. She had long been potty-trained and in a big girl bed. She also really understood that the babies were coming and that she would be a big sister.
BUT… we were not prepared for just how often she would need to be neglected because the needs of the twins were so pressing. She lost her potty training and began acting out in really significant ways. At age three, she could remember the time before the babies came and would often talk about how much better it was before they were born. We were exhausted, impatient, and riddled with guilt in all the ways you describe in your post.
Nearly a year and a half later, I can say that we all have settled into our own chaotic rhythm. Vivi keeps an eye on the babies while I run down to get the laundry from the basement. She also crosses the street to play with our neighbor which wouldn’t have been possible if she has been any younger.
Interestingly enough, we never had problems concieving and I have laughed at the though of ideal spacing for my kids. We always concieved at a max 15 months between each child. It is super hard to find the balance between each child and myself and I found the last year with 4 kids in 3 1/2 years to be more trying than just the twins and Liam. Now, I just need to remember a kiss here, a love there, reading a book to the kids together means that the day was a sucess. I try to not sweat the small stuff and I include everyone into the daily ruitine. Life is not the same without all 4 in the grocery cart and the kids know that we do everything as a family. I also try to get out once a month with a friend at lunch time to just relax. This has made me feel as if I have a life outside of my children and yet not neglecting my kids.
I wouldn’t change them for the world or the spacing either. I guess I have resigned myself to accepting what I can do and what I can’t do and to be pleased with the effects of what I do accomplish. When I start to think what I can not do for my kids, I forget what an amazing job I do most of the other days. So I try to only focus on the important things, and let the others flush away. Motherhood is not about the guilt or what we did wrong or could not accomplish, but what inspires us to be the great mothers we are. If that means life is choatic at best, than so be it.
Being a mother of a 5 year old, 3 year old twins, and an almost 2 year old proves that I am stronger than I know, wiser than my years, and gifted beyond all measure.
Since it took about a year of trying to get pregnant with our first daughter, we thought we would start trying when she was about 2 years old. I knew I wanted my children close enough in age to be in the classroom together (Montessori, mixed age).
As it happens, I got pregnant while on the mini-pill and breastfeeding when she was 10.5 months old! And? The pregnancy resulted in her twin sisters.
Rachel was night weaned at 12ish months and weaned all together 16ish months. Not my plan.
Her Grandma and her Dad were her primary caregivers for a month while I was on bed rest. Not my plan.
After the twins arrived, we had a helper that came from 10-3 and often took her to the park, lunch and story time. Not my plan.
Now she is 5.5 years old and her sisters are 4 years old. They all love school, love their family and friends, and show no signs of being insecure, worried, or “unattached.”
There isn’t a perfect timing. If we waited for perfect, we might not have the wonderful gifts in our lives!