Recently, Emma came home from preschool saying something about how “one twin” was missing from her class for awhile. Or something like that. Whether the kid was absent or actually “missing” or not was of no concern to me — as a kindergarten teacher I certainly had my moments were one child or another wasn’t where they were expected to be at a certain time, but we always found them quickly (usually, in the bathroom!).
However, the fact that Emma was referring to one of her classmates as “a twin” instead of her name bugged me and I told her that (or, erm, lectured her half the way home, ha ha!). If she didn’t know who was who (they are identical, both in the same class) that’s okay and totally understandable, especially for children referring to classmates or others they don’t know too well, but to refer to them as “a twin” instead of their actual names (even if it is ” x or y,” or in our case “Elsie or Delia”) does not sit well with me. Here’s why:
1) While they are indeed twins, their twinness is not (and in my opinion never should be) the primary aspect of their identity. Every child is an individual, with a real name, just like any other person. If you refer to other children by their first names, please refer to mine by theirs, as well, even if you are saying them together (“Elsie and Delia are playing with the blocks, not “The Twins are playing with the blocks.)
2) It’s okay to mix up identical twins, or not know who is who, especially if you don’t see them everyday — just ask them, if you are not sure! While it’s really great to try hard to pay attention and figure out some identifying characteristics (and for parents to help when their twins are younger via clothing choices, hairstyles, shoe colors, or something) it’s also far better to ASK the child their name if you are not sure than to just call them “the twins” or to not call them anything at all. Even at 2 years old, my girls will usually answer and say their name or point to themselves or each other when you ask who they are or if they are Elsie or Delia.
3) It is important for each twin’s development to be seen as a separate individual. I think it is inevitable that multiples will struggle with identity at some point, and sometimes it will be very very hard for them. Even if they seem to be a “unit” right now, and appear to like and do the same things or are always together, try to refer to them separately, and speak to them separately, so that eventually, gradually, they will too.
4) Sometimes, it’s admittedly easier to refer to twins together – when you are talking about both of them doing the same thing — but use this sparingly. I find I do it when trying to distinguish them from my older daughter — for a long time (and even sometimes today) I called them “the babies” or “the little girls” as opposed to the bigger sister. For some reason this feels better than saying “the twins”, even though it’s sort of doing the same thing. I guess partly because it feels like that term is not a permanent part of their identity that will follow them forever – it is a passing thing that they will soon grow out of. Probably better to use their names, even so. I do use “the twins” or “my twins” when talking to people who do not know Elsie and Delia ARE twins, of course — as long as their twinness is somewhat relevant to the topic or conversation at hand.
5) Keep in mind who is listening! Adults (generally? I hope?) understand that twins are two separate people, with different personalities, interests, feelings, identities. But for young children, I think this is much harder to grasp (especially with identical or same sex twins). If children around you hear you referring to other kids as “the twins” they will too, and they may likely stop trying to tell them apart or treating them as separate people. I have seen this already, with my daughter and her twin schoolmates — and she has twin sisters whom she KNOWS are two very unique people! Geesh!
Obviously I am not a twin, so this is parent’s perspective — a parent of young twins, at that. I’m sure I’ll refine my views as I learn and experience more — and I’ll never really know how it feels firsthand. I can recommend two books written BY twins about this kind of thing, whom say it far more eloquently than I – Emotionally Healthy Twins by Joan Friedman, and One and the Same, My Life as and Identical Twin and Everyone’s Struggle to be Singular by Abigail Pogrebin (the latter I admit I have not yet finished, but have enjoyed so far and all the reviews I’ve read have been great!)
Delia and Elsie "rowing their boat"
Related posts:
I assume that ID twins get this a lot more. I can only remember a few times that people have referred to my boys as “The Twins.” Lately I’ve been talking up the twin connection with H&E because I would like them to value each other and not hit or be aggressive.
I never thought about this before, but good to know! I have twin nephews who are going on 18 months.
My husband and I never refer to our b/g twin as “the twins”, and so far, I’ve never heard anyone else call them the either. The other day a friend of my came to visit and asked my daughter if the baby dolls she was playing with were twins (they were basically the same, but one had pink clothing, the other one blue). My daughter just stood there looking puzzled and it occurred to me that she may not even know the word “twin” yet.
I’ll have to check out Emotionally Healthy Twins as I’ve heard from several bloggers who found it to be an informative read. The stories in One and the Same blew my mind. I’ll definitely be keeping them in mind as I parent my twins over the years.
Great post!
[...] they are difficult to distinguish for people outside the family – and I want them to be KNOWN and called by name by their teachers and peers. Secondly, I think that left together, they would very likely play [...]