I’ve been enjoying lots of posts lately over at Steady Mom, and am writing this with her blog in mind, keeping it concise for this weeks Mom’s 30-Minute Blog Challenge.
Lately I have been thinking about the level of involvement I have in my kids day-to-day activities. Obviously, its a lot, since I am a stay-at-home mom and their main caregiver. But often, I think I tend to be somewhat hands off, compared to some parents out there. I don’t sit down and play with my kids all that often (though I will set them up with stuff, and get them started on something), nor do I attempt to entertain them much of the day. I try not to do a lot of things for them (age appropriately, of course) — things like dressing, going potty, getting shoes and coats on, finding toys or getting drinks of water.
I like to give them lots of space, and time to work things out by themselves. Figuring out how to satisfy their needs and desires. Work out problems that arise, on their own.
They still ask, of course, and depending on the age and need I will oblige. But often I don’t. Or I tell them to do part of it (get a cup and a lid, go get your coat and shoes) and then will assist with the next step if they truly don’t have the skills yet. But once they do, I will walk them through it, or encourage them, but don’t physically jump up to do it for them. Usually.
I think this is a healthy thing, that builds self-reliance. It also encourages them to master the things that are important, and empowers them — they feel good about doing it themselves.
A lot of this, admittedly, is due to the fact that I have 3 kids — once the twins were on the scene, Emma, at age 2, had to step up or she would not get to do the things she wanted. Elsie and Delia are learning this too, now. You learn to fend for yourself when there’s no extra hands. Sometimes I feel bad about this, because they are still so young, but mostly not. Its the reality of being in a larger family, I think.
But some of it is also how you approach things: do you do things for them because its what you’ve always done, because you — or they — think they cannot do it? Do you do things for them as a sign of love, even when they can do them on their own? Do you do it to avoid upsetting them, making them mad or sad, or to avoid a power struggle?
Or do you encourage them to give it a try, and then make yourself scarce sometimes, so they learn to manage a bit more on their own? Do you let things go, knowing full well that when they do it themselves, it may not be done "your way" (but that its okay)?
Some of this is hard, because "doing things" for other people is a way to show love and affection. Also, when we are taking care of our babies, needs and wants are one and the same. Its easy to fall into a pattern of thinking that your toddler or young child NEEDS your help with things, and that it will hurt them (or their attachment to you) if you do not provide that.
I understand that, and I think there is sometimes a fine line to walk. If a child’s request (or demand) is really a call for connection and belonging, you of course want to provide that. But it doesn’t have to mean doing the thing they want every time (and then, perhaps resenting them for it). Or taking the (seemingly) easy way out by just doing things for them.
I am proud of my kids for all they do to take care of themselves each day. I am continually amazed and delighted at the things they think up to entertain themselves (and each other). They are so capable, of so many things, and I want to continue to foster and encourage that, each and every day. Some days I fall short of this goal. But as long as I keep all of this in the back of my mind, I think we mostly do pretty well.
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Great post! I need to remember to buy the boys shoes that they can put on themselves next time! I find the challenge in their need for connection/care vs. their need for self-care/responsibility. I definitely do more for my boys than I need to, partly for convenience (sounds opposite, but as you know it often takes much longer for them to do it themselves!) I think as long as you’re providing them connection and care in other ways (which you obviously are!), then helping them be responsible for themselves is a gift! I have been challenged by the book “Playful Parenting” about how kids connect most with adults in their work, which is play. It’s a real challenge for me, but I see the rewards when I put in that special time with them (but again it’s HARD for me to fly little airplanes around the room for fun!)
Oooo, I need to think more about this. I think I do more than I need to and could step back and let Declan do some stuff on his own. I do try to encourage him when I think about it but often I’ll do it just because, sadly, I am in a rush A rush to get out the door. A rush to just get a task out of the way (like getting him dressed). I need to remember to schedule in time for stuff to take longer and maybe be more chill about it. And he is very easily frustrated so I do step in when he throws himself on the floor in a tizzy because he keeps putting his coat on upside down . . .
Sarah, I have been meaning to check out Playful parenting! I do think playing with them is good time spent — and sometimes I probably do too little of that.
Joanne, I think age 1-3 is definitely hard with kids wanting to do stuff but getting frustrated with things, for sure. A lot of these things I still do for Elsie and Delia, but Emma has mastered and no longer gets frustrated by. She still does get frustrated sometimes, but more often she just works at it until she gets it (or asks for help). It will come for you too!
Great post!!! I strongly believe that I am the mother not the entertainment!!! I have never scooted cars with my kids, but I do provide them!!! I am all for my kids doing things for themselves and frankly so are they… kids love learning new skills, mastering in fact, and why shouldn’t they be given the skills to solve their own problems and conquer their own dilemmas!!! Have a great week!!!
I like to have the kids do things for themselves too. Usually they want to try to do stuff on their own. They want to prove that they’re “grown up”. When they struggle, I will let them struggle a little. I think that it’s in the struggle that we really learn. (I do still help out when they need it of course!)
I do and I let him do. I think both are important. how many of us as adults have problems because we can’t say to someone “I need help.” perhaps part of that is we never learned to say that growing up or didn’t have the chance to do so. I was the 4th of 5 kids and the first 4 were in 4 years. I didn’t get help, I got beaten. I hid from my parents if I could. I never recall my mother being kind to me, ever. I remember once her playing hide and seek. once. and she got mad cause I made noise (you know being three or so) and she got mad if I ever asked her again. I want my son to have better memories than I do and part of that is, I play with him. I love that. I love the innocence, letting him take the lead and showing me his amazing mind as he works through life through play.
I also think when we ask for help and receive it we are more willing to help others and I want my son to grow up to be compassionate and kind, as he is already. but often, I try to step back and he says “I need help” and I say “really? try to do it yourself and then if you can’t I’ll help you” and he does and he is proud of himself for doing it.
I do think/know if I had more than one child, they would play with each other more and I’d be less involved in his play. he doesn’t have that so…I play with him. I don’t consider myself his entertainment I consider myself his caregiver/steward from a god who blessed me with him and however I can teach him – through teaching, reading or playing I am going to do that.
just to add,
I think its highly reliant on a child’s personality too. I would think any parent would agree that each kid came out with who they are. some are more independent and some less.
I think its really important to let kids be strong and do for themselves if they can. but I don’t think it is bad for a parent to do for a child. I give my child lots of choices and let him do what he can, whenever he can.
I can say that my sisters had a father who was very hand’s off said he didn’t know how to interact with kids so when they turned 18 he tried to and they had and have nothing to do with him. same with one of those same sister’s husband (sadly we marry our parents if we aren’t careful) and though his kids are younger – 4, 9 and 14 – the older two could care less about being around him as he was when they were younger. I’ve worked with abused and neglected kids for years and studied with preeminent child psychiatrists and all of that plus being a parent has helped me see how important playing with kids is…for the kids, for the parents, for their relationships, etc. thanks for the thought provoking post