A few days ago some folks on a parenting forum were lamenting raising their voices and being "sharp" with their kids. Ha! Here is some of what I wrote in response:
"Oy vey, I certainly raise my voice and holler around here, when the kids are driving me batty. Generally when they are not listening or are doing something they know is bad/offlimits. I also tell them no, snatch things away from them, move them, etc, without attempting more polite discussions first. I am a fan of the Positive Discipline philosophy, etc (and am actually taking a great class about it through Emma’s preschool), but I am definitely not a perfect follower in real life. But I figure that if most of my interactions with them are good/positive (or at least mostly calm & respectful) I am doing okay. I am aiming for improvement but also don’t think in the long run seeing me frustrated and raising my voice, etc, is going to scar them for life, either."
As I mentioned a few posts back, I am attending a parenting class at Emma’s school on Tuesday nights. Its called "Sanity Circus", and its based on the theories in the Positive Dicipline books (and the Adlarian psychological theory). Core to this approach is that "the goal of behavior is belonging (sense of connection) and meaning (significance). Misbehavior is from a "mis"-taken belief about ho to find belonging/meaning".
What we want to do is turn the daily challenges we face with young kids (dawdling, not listening, sassing back, defiance) into teachable moments that help you illustrate the character traits you eventually want your child to possess (patience, self-control, courage, curiosity, empathy, etc). Its about treating your child with respect and kindness, but also setting limits and guiding them through the challenges that come up every day. Here is a nice list of the basic tools and principles (taken from our instructor Jodi’s handout):
- Teach life skills
- Pay attention to the power of perception
- Focus on encouragement (connection and presence, not rah-rah)
- Hold the tension of Kindness AND Firmness at the same time (connect before correct)
- Look to mutual respect (respect for yourself and the situation — firmness; respect for the needs of the child and others — kindness)
- Celebrate mistakes as opportunities to learn
- Look to solutions rather than punishment
I’ve seen a lot of talk about this (and similar discipline/parenting philosophies) on some of these online parenting forums I am on, and have always felt like I needed to read up, because this kind of this does not always come naturally. I feel like sometimes we are on track with what we do and how we handle things at home, and othertimes, ah, we are definitely bumbling! In the class, the instructor admitted this kind of parenting is HARD, because it requires much patience, creativity, and forcing ourselves to perhaps do things differently than how we have learned through our own childhood experiences (which in the heat of the moment, is not easy!). There are tons of supposedly great books I have put on my reading list and have been meaning to read for YEARS now, but somehow I never feel like picking them up and digging in. Luckily, this class popped up, and I jumped on it, because you can’t procrastinate away a class you are paying for!
We’ve only had three sessions of this class so far, and for me the highlights have been:
-Commiserating with the other parents, and seeing that the behaviors and issues we are facing with our kids are the same as everybody else. Seriously, across the board! That is really reassuring!
-I’m also (geekily) enjoying the forced interaction with aforementioned parents, because a lot of them seem really cool, people I’d like to be friends with but am to busy/awkward/whatever to actually say more than "hi" with them in passing as we sign our kids in and out of school. During this class, we get break time (with snacks!) and also group activities and role playing stuff that can be pretty hilarious (and also emotional). So maybe a few mom or dad friends will come out of this, and that would be awesome.
-The concept of "flipping your lid", or those moments where you/your kid start to "lose it" and start responding to things emotionally and impulsively, from your brain core (not from the prefrontal cortex that helps with higher, rational reflective thought). It comes with a neat little hand gesture (ha ha, not the gesture that first comes to mind, this one) where your hand represents the various parts of your brain, and when you open it, you are flipping your lid or no longer using your prefrontal cortex. Basically, if you notice someone "flipping their lid" you have to remind yourself not to respond by losing yours (even if you need to step away for a moment to keep that from happening). So notice the drama/emotion in your child/partner/whoever, but don’t get sucked into mirroring it. Then you can decide how you are going to help or respond, calmly and rationally.
-Last night, we talked a lot about where various behaviors come from, and how the common parental responses can make things worse. The thing that we have to remember, in our family, is that most of the time with Emma, her behaviors stem from a desire to be NOTICED, a longing to connect and to matter. As an older sister of baby/toddler twins, she has to do SO MUCH for herself, has to wait and be patient a lot, and doesn’t get focused one-on-on attention very often. Which must suck, honestly, and I feel bad about this. So thats one of the things we need to work on around here…
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This is a really interesting and timely post.
Oh, I wish that I could take a class like that – I like reading, but it’s no so easy to find the time to actually crack open a book (especially one that is not purely for entertainment). Also, I can seriously relate to your third point (poor Madeline!), and I often think of hollering as a form of stress relief!
Thanks for this post. I’ve been thinking a lot about discipline lately as my kids are acting out more and more as we charge full speed ahead toward their second birthday. I try to do my best to parent calmly, and hate, hate, HATE when I loose my cool when the kids are acting out. I’ll have to look into whether there are parenting classes, like the one you’re taking, in my area. I think I’d enjoy learning some new approaches and commiserating with other parents as well.
Oh man, I think I have to add that brain book to my pile of things to read. That visual was very helpful